Ten things I HATE about Authors
by Darkaus
Summary: Harry Potter and a hyper Voldemort must work together to defeat the evil of...rn"dun dun dun"rnThe fanfiction authors! Updated!
1. Default Chapter

Oh yesss... it is going to be one of those days.... Voldemort, a.k.a he who must not be named, a.k.a the dark lord, a.k.a freaky as hell and too many other names to be mentioned, was sufficiently speechless. Across from him stood another, Harry Potter, a.k.a several other names, (but not as many as Voldemort.) Harry coughed, "I take it, the authors are doing this again?"

"Your assumption is as good as mine, however..." both looked up to see the Microsoft Word screen above them, "I'll never guess what gave you that idea." Both sank down with a moan. "What horrendous things will they make us do this time! Augh!! These things drive me crazy! You won't believe the story I was in last week!" Voldemort chuckled and sipped from a tea cup that had mysteriously appeared in his hand. "Whatever it was, it cannot be worse that what I was placed in yesterday." Harry narrowed his eyes, "Are you willing to set a wager on that?" Voldemort glared silently over the rim of the pink teacup. "Yesss... perhaps I am..." Harry grinned, "Alright then! I wager you... the final outcome of the last book, that mine was worse than yours!" Voldemort scoffed, "Wager me something you can actually deliver Potter."

Harry thought hard. "Okay, well... how about I wager you... a secret way into Hogwarts?" The red eyes flashed for a moment before widening with surprise. "This isn't even tea, damn it!!" Harry blinked, "You just completely blew me off, didn't you." Voldemort continued to stair in horror at the cup, his mouth moving but no sound coming out. Harry raised an eyebrow, "So... what's in there?" The Dark lord looked slowly up at him, mouthing one word, (Coffee...) "That's it?! What's the big deal about Coffee?! You had me scared for a moment there!!" Voldemort blinked, "You have no idea how scary I get when I drink coffee..." Harry snorted, "Coffee makes you scary?" Voldemort lowered his eyes, "Well, actually... coffee makes me hyper."

Harry's eyes grew wide, "NNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!!!!"

"...Ah, are you quite finished?" Harry nodded, "Yes, yes I am." Voldemort continued to glare at his cup. "So... do we have a wager?" he looked up, "Oh, oh yes, we have a wager." Both glared at each other, then a giant floating eyeball fell threw the screen and onto the abandoned teacup. Sauron looked around for a moment, being an eyeball that was what he specialized in, and then chuckled evilly from an unseen mouth. **I SHALL CLAIM THIS WORLD FOR MY OWN!!** In a flash of fiery evil fire he vanished. Slowly... the two enemies looked at each other, "Ah... so, I take it we're in a crossover then?" Voldemort looked at where the eyeball had been, "Well, your assumption is as good as mine."


	2. UmPotter?

"...Another big thing that gets me, mindless drabble! You know, when someone starts talking and won't stop talking, like those pointless bad guys on Scooby Doo! They just go on and on and on and on and on....."

Voldemort watched coldly as potter continued to ramble, a small twitch flashing in his eyes. Oh if only I had my wand... "And then as much as I hate to say it, there's the hero bit with them going on and on about how they saved the day, and the world, and the penguin, and the fire hydrant, and the;"

"POTTER!!!! PLEASE!! **SHUT UP!!!!**"

"... :(" Harry sat down with a huff, "Fine! You could have just said something you know!" Voldemort twitched, "How? You never paused! Not even to breath!" the two glared at each other for a moment, then sighed and looked opposite ways. "Okay, I'm sorry I was rambling... sometimes I just get carried away..." Voldemort nodded sympathetically, "Yes, yes, I know... it's not your fault, it's a normal hero trait. It's like evil laughter." Harry raised an eyebrow, "Are you serious?" Voldemort nodded, looking miserable and blushing deep within the folds of his hood. "Yes, this one time I started laughing... and I couldn't stop." For a moment... silence. Harry gazed at the figure before him. "Um... I'm sure that happens to everyone... once and a while?"

The dark lord shrugged. "That's the same thing Nagini told me, but she's always been a positive person..." another uncomfortable silence ensued. After a while Harry looked back up, "So, is it just, Ahahahahaha? Or is it, Mwahahahaha?" Voldemort sighed and took a sip from the cracked teacup. "Well... it's almost a mixture of those, but I've gone Bwahahahahha before, and I distinctly remember a snorting accident last fall." They held each others gaze, a chuckle crept from Harry's throat. "A...A... A snorting incident? Heheheh!" Voldemort hissed under his breath, eyes flashing. "It isn't funny potter..." Harry continued to giggle, his gasping barks growing louder, Voldemort raised an eye brow. "...Potter?"

"Hehehehehehheheehehehehehe!!!"

"Um... Potter?"

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahha!!!"

"Harry potter?"

"Hohohohhohohohohohohohohoho!!"

"Now see here..."

"Wakakakakakakakakakakaaka!!!"

"....Waka waka? Was that a typo? ...Harry?"

"Honkhonk bwahhahahahhehehehehohohohsnort!!!"

Frightened by the strange sounds coming from harry's mouth, Lord Voldemort fled. "Heheehhee... oh, that was a good one... um... Voldemort?" looks around, "...Tom? ...."

"...Anybody? Hello...?"


	3. Fishy!

"Sorry about that" Harry smiled sheepishly as he finished tying Lord Voldemort to the chair. "I didn't realize that crazy laughter could be passed on threw curses!" Voldemort hissed, struggling against the ropes. "That's because it can't Potter! You did that entire display on your own; after all, I can't be the cause of all your problems! Untie me this instant!!" Harry smiled, "Sorry,the author is afraid you'll run away." A trail of curses hissed threw pressed lips, "Why is she writing about us anyway? Shouldn't she be working with those Nazgul things?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"What Nazgul things?" Voldemort sighed, "You really aren't a bright one, are you Potter?" Another blank look from the hero of humanity, for a moment, let us feel sorry for them. "So, you were going to tell me what they are then?" Voldemort smiled evilly, "Well, perhaps, it would be much easier to tell you if I wasn't tied up!" Harry hit him with a trout. "Stop that! You cannot bribe me! I'm the hero for Merlin's sake!!" he froze, "And...this hero seems to have chosen a fish for his weapon today...my bad" Voldemort didn't reply, gazing mutely at the soggy weapon. "Sorry about that! Who knows where this thing has been"

flash to river where we see trout swimming happily, then we see net fall over water

fish scream

"Yep! That probably covers it!! So, why are you staring at my fish?" The dark lord drew in a deep breath looked Harry in the eye and, "BECAUSE YOU HIT ME WITH IT YOU FOOL!!! A FISH!!! A STUPID, UGLY, SMELLY FISH!!!" a loud sniffling promptly filled the air; Harry shook his head, "Now look what you've done!! You hurt its feelings!!" Voldemort blinked, "Oh, I'm sorry; I don't know what came over-HEY WAIT A SECOND!!!"

The hand of the author reached down and plucked the fish from Harry's grip, forcing the characters to move the plot along. Voldemort blinked, "Yesssss...so, where were we?"

Harry stared tearfully up at the expanse of computer screen. "...Fishy? Fishy,come back fishy!! Come back!!!" Voldemort shut his eyes and leaned against the ropes, "Potter,I'm sure... (Fishy), has gone to a better place. Now, where were we." Potter sniffled, "Sorry about that, makes me think of that Finding Nemo movie, hits me right here every time."

Voldemort looked up, "Can we please just skip to the next chapter now!?"


	4. Writers Cramp The Horror!

Harry walked across the Microsoft word page, taking in the endless white scenery. Then suddenly fell over.

"Argh… damn writer's cramp… Hey Voldemort! Give me a hand?"

Voldemort entered from the Help option and froze, then circled Harry slowly. Stopped again, and smiled. "…By any chance, would you be suffering from writer's cramp?" Harry mumbled something illegible. The dark lords smile grew wider, "You know, I should probably seize upon this opportunity and kill you…" The dark lord looked around, eyes narrowing in anger, "…And I would, were anyone here to see it!"

Harry raised his head from the nonexistent floor and scoffed, "You need a crowd to kill me? That's like something I would expect from Lockhart! It's so shallow!"

Voldemort blinked, "Potter… that has nothing to do with why I need a crowd, think about it. After trying to kill you so many times, (really, to many times if you think about it.) if I succeed without a witness, who would believe me?!" Harry opened his mouth, closed it, and thought about it. "…I guess you're right… no one would believe you, I mean, people didn't even believe me when I told them you killed Cedric." Voldemort sighed, "You see? Even with witnesses it's almost impossible to make people believe something they don't want to believe! And surprisingly, other than a few hard core Death Eater fans and perhaps Severus, no one seems to want you dead."

"…So… will you help me up?" The master of all evil, (At least in the Harry Potter series) spent a moment on contemplation, then with a muttered, "The hell with it." Raised Potter from the floor. Harry brushed himself off and smiled. "Well, glad that's over!" Voldemort shook his head, "Such a whiner… you know it could have been worse Potter, there are worse things out there." Harry turned, "And they are?"

**_Bang!! _**

"….ooohhhh…" Harry ran over to the crumpled black robe lying under the very heavy and **very large** brick. "Voldemort! Speak to me! What happened?!" A small squashed voice replied…

"…writer's block…. Oohhh… I'm gonna feel this one in the morning…"


	5. Diary of Doodles

After three days trapped on the Microsoft word program it was getting rather sad for our characters. Voldemort had engrossed himself in watching the people on the other side of the screen, and Harry had become consumed with the delete button. "Hey, do you think…" Harry paused, unsure of whether or not to continue his train of thought. Voldemort turned, "What was that? I didn't catch it all." Harry shuddered, "do you think, we could be deleted? Just by the press of a button? Just all of a sudden, poof?!" slowly, Voldemort raised his almost non existent eyebrows (Well, you all heard that he'sbald as a baby in the fourth book!) and said, "…No?"

Harry blinked, "You say that as if you're not sure." Voldemort sighed, "Where you get the idea that I know everything is beyond me, that's more Dumbledore's field than mine." Harry snorted, "Tell me something I don't already know!" Voldemort smiled, "…Snape dances ballet." In point five seconds Harry was on the ground, stunned. "YOU LIE!!!!" Voldemort chortled and looked down at Harry over his non existent nose. "Yes, I do, but it was definitely something you didn't know." Harry gasped, feeling his sanity return with his heartbeat. "Something I wouldn't have wanted to know!!! Oh gods, I'd never be able to look at him the same way again!" Voldemort quirked an eyebrow, "…well considering how you look at him now, it "might" be an improvement."

Harry shot the Lord of Darkness a (who asked you?!) look before sitting back in his chair. "SO…As I was saying, you don't know if we could be deleted or not?" Voldemort shook his head, "Not the faintest." Harry smiled, "Well, there's only one way to be sure…" Voldemort sighed, pulled a small diary from his pocket and read, "December 5th, second day trapped in Word Program, sighed agreement not to attempt, try, think about, or by complete accident do the other one of us bodily, mental, or fashionably harm." He handed Potter the book. "See? Your signature is right there, next to mine, and the Giant floating eyeball's, …who never did come back, did he?" Harry shook his head, "Who cares about that! What I want to know is how a giant floating eyeball signs his name!!"

(Mouth of Sauron following Eyeball threw the wastelands of the internet, holding a pen.)

Harry reread the contract to himself, then stopped, reread, stopped, scanned the page, and gave Voldemort a look that made him feel less then The Embodiment of all Evil. "Um… Tom?" Voldemort cringed, "…Yes Potter?" Harry turned the book around, revealing many little stick figures of Potter in various forms of torture and death.

"…Tom, I think this counts as thinking about it, dont you?"


	6. Don't believe all you hear

#1_ my feet hurt…_

#7 _why?_

#1 _from all this traveling…_

#7 _…we're riding horses._

#1 _…. …. …._

#5 _"Snicker"_

#9 _are we there yet!_

#2,4,3,8 _NO!_

#9 _well, we'd better be soon, my horse has sprung a leak!_

#all but 9 _…. …. Ewww…._

Harry watched, disturbed as several riders in black passed by. He had the faint impression that they were not in character, and it wasn't the sombreros that gave it away. "Um… who are you?" The nine riders stopped, turned, and instantly the hats destroyed anything akin to a menacing aura that might have been. They looked at each other, shrugged, looked back at him. _…have you seen a floating eyeball?..._ Harry blinked. "Yesssss…why?" the hats leaned closer. _…because… we don't know_.

Harry blinked, snorted, "Oh this is just sad. Hey Voldie! These people you know?" Voldemort ignored him. "Hey snake face! Can you hear me! Who are these people!" still the embodiment of doomed doominess blew him off. Aggravated, Harry marched over and whirled him about. "CAN YOU HEAR ME!" Voldemort raised an eyebrow.

"…Oh, sorry, were you talking to me? I will only now respond to three names. Lord Voldemort, King of the world, and Snugums." Harry jaw moved, no sound emerged. The sombrero riders shifted their weight. Voldemort thought for a moment. "…Actually, scratch that, I will respond to Lord Voldemort and King of the world, but I shall burn you to tiny bits if you call me Snugums. That name is reserved for Narcissa, Bellatrix, and on some rare occasions, Lucius." Harry shuddered. "…Way more about death eater life than ever needed to hear, will crawl off and die now…"

Crawled away. Voldemort stared after him, than discovered the sombrero Nazgul. "Potter! Why didn't you say we had company!" turned back to shuddering Nazgul and said in a soothing tone, "Listen, that was a joke, okay? Believe me, never Bellatrix, Narcissa, or Lucius, thank Nagini! I may not get to kill the boy here, but there's no rule against traumatizing him out of his innocent mind. Now, what can I do for you? The Nazgul all exchanged looks. _…um… nothing, never mind!_ And all swiftly rode away.

The Eye of Sauron narrowed, **_you know what I hate? Prissy dark lords from other dimensions traumatizing my Ringwraiths!_**

Eye of Sauron: um…this happens often?

Sauron: **_well, no, but last week they ran into this "Count Oloft" fellow, he was chasing these three unfortunate children or something… and they haven't been quite right since…_**

Eye of Sauron: …ah.


	7. Say that three times fast!

Harry potter and the Holy Grail, take one:

Harry and Voldemort walking through windows program.

"… …. … …" Voldemort watched the dots flash across the white sky. "…Is there something you want Potter?" Harry shrugged, "Want? No, but I get this feeling were forgetting something, like a promise, you ever get like that?" Voldemort sighed. "Potter, that happens to everyone, especially Dark Lords. But we take precautions against it."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "…You don't think very highly of promises, do you?" Voldemort looked wounded. "Of course I do! You have no idea! And I strive my hardest to keep every promise I make!"

"...Some how I don't believe you, really, your pulling my leg." Voldemort shook his head. "No! I swear on Slytherin!" Harry whistled. "This had better be good…" Voldemort huffed, "good? Good? Its genius like everything else I do!" Harry sighed. "I shouldn't have brought it up, well, what is it then?" Voldemort shrugged. "Its simple really, I only make one promise to anyone, and I always keep it." Harry stopped, "…if your about to say you keep your promise to destroy those who stand against you, you've got me right here showing you've broken it." Voldemort opened his mouth, closed it, and lowered his head. "Darn you Potter…"

Not far ahead was, MORE WHITE SCREEN! hahahahaha!(you should all have been expecting that.) But there was also a grove of trees. And the sound of explosions in the distance. But that wasn't important, because right in front of them was a rickety old bridge, and standing before (it) was a creepy old man. Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "…just what we need in here, more weird neighbors…" Harry shrugged, "Hey, at least he brought scenery and a soundtrack!" Voldemort nodded, "…true…"

They move closer and suddenly in a croaky voice the man said "Stop!"

"Who approacheth the bridge of death,

Must answer me these questions three,

Err the other side he see…"

Voldemort blinked, blinked again, started to snicker. Harry just looked properly confused. "..What's so funny?" Voldemort didn't answer. He continued however to make that crazy little giggle. Harry turned to the bridge keeper. "What's so funny?" The bridge keeper blinked, "uh, I don't know thAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh! Not agaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn!"

And he vanished over the side into fiery-evil-evil-Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm-iness.  
(try to say that three times fast!)

Harry looked horrified. Both by seeing the old creepy man vanish so spontaneously,and also by the odd chorus of "Ni"! from the tree line. He turned to Voldemort who seemed to be coming to his senses. "WHAT was so FUNNY?" Voldemort wiped his streaming eyes.

"…Oh, I just (knew) that was going to happen!"


	8. Cabbage

Harry stopped, took a good long look at what he thought he saw, just to be sure it was real. Turns out it was. "…I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know, but I've got to ask or there'll be no plot…" with a sigh he walked up to the odd crop of cabbage that was growing from the nonexistent ground. "…Tom, what's with the cabbage?" Voldemort looked up and narrowed his deep red eyes. "Always Tom these days! I think we had a conversation on this in chapter 6!" Harry shuddered. "…I had blocked that out… darn you…" Voldemort shrugged and returned to what he was doing. "What did you want?" Harry pulled up a cabbage. "What's with the cabbage?" Voldemort laughed darkly. "Oh, you wouldn't understand Potter! It's part of my greatest plan for world conquest yet!"

Harry blinked, waiting. "…Okay, and how does that work out?" Voldemort stopped laughing. "Potter, we need to get you out of here. You're turning into an idiot… I was joking." Harry shook his head, "you shouldn't joke, it's not like you." Voldemort scoffed. "THAT isn't like me! THAT! Potter! Nothing I've said or done since I got here has been anything like me! I'm evil! This authors making me sound like a idiot! But I'm going along with it, and why? Why do I submit myself to this degrading mess?" Harry seemed stunned, "Okay…why?" Voldemort sighed. "Because if I didn't there'd be no plot…sob"

And without another word the dark lord fell sobbing into the cabbage. Harry looked aghast, "Um…Voldemort? Are you okay? Voldemort?" Redder than normal eyes looked up from between the leaves, "You see! You're out of character too!" Harry shook his head, "yeah, yeah I guess I am… but that's okay. I mean, when else would we have had a chance to speak like this? You know, you not trying to kill me, me not trying to kill you…"

Both turned at the sound of sobbing, the Ringwraiths were covering their faces with the sombreros, wailing loudly.

#1: _it's so sad!_

#5: _why? Why!_

#7: _…it's only a spur of the moment thing…_

#2,3,7,8,9: _Shhh!_

#4: _Those cabbages are making me hungry…_

Harry turned to his nemesis. "…You know, that Sauron guy's got his work cut out for him…" Voldemort nodded. "Oh I know, at least I have semi intelligent followers, and I even have some really intelligent ones!"

A dark shadow spread over them, both looked up slowly… the giant sombreros seemed to blot out the sun.

_**Foolish mortals! We shall leave your dried husks and offer your soul's to the Eye!**_

Harry looked at Voldemort, Voldemort at Harry. "….you think they're serious?

"yeah, probably."

"...oh."

"AAAAaaaaaHHHhhhhhh! RUN!"

Murazor raised his head and screamed,_ After them! And take the cabbage!_


	9. DumbledoreGandalf?

Dumbledore was typing on his lab top, it was a message to the Aurors of the ministry of magic, and, since it was typed, no respectable Death Eater would ever read it. "Their distain of muggles will be their undoing, ….Dear…Arthur…Weasly, …have you…seen, Harry Potter…or…" Dumbledore stopped, leaned closer to the screen, "…Is that… nine random specs of dust wearing sombreros on my monitor?" He leaned a little closer, "…That appear to be chasing two other specs of dust across the screen? …I may just be getting too old for this…" All the dust specs stopped. A muffled shouting reached the old Wizards ears, "What's that? I can't hear you." It came again,

"Enlarge the picture! Enlarge the picture!" (Pretend its really muffled sounding jibberish.)Dumbledore turned up the volume.

"Let's try that one more time."

"**Enlarge the picture!"**

Dumbledore crashed to the ground, "NO NEED TO SHOUT! Enlarge, where is that…? Ah!" The small specs became Nine Ringwraiths, a Dark Lord, and a Hero. Harry shook his head, "Wow… He's huge!" Voldemort Sighed,

"No, We're just really, really, dinky." He turned his red eyes to the screen. "Salthazar's slippers, has your beard gotten longer!" Dumbledore blinked,

"…You noticed?" Voldemort nodded.

#1. _…do you see what I see?_

#6. _perhaps… there is a slight, a slight, a slight, a slight_

#8. Wack!

#6. _…resemblance._

#1,2,3,4,5,7,8,9. _ssssssiiighhh…._

Dumbledore, Harry, and Voldemort exchanged looks. "A slight resemblance to…?"

# ALL_. Gandalf._

…. …. …. …!

Dumbledore shuts down the computer.

Darkness…

_#1. …is it something we said?_

_#9. he's probably heard that before._


	10. The trouble with T

Having finally escaped from the cabbage–mad-Nazgul, and the Dumbledor/Gandalf complex, Lord Voldemort the freaky was catching a breather. Harry ran up to him. "You know… the next book is out… don't you?" Voldemort nodded. "…yes, I know… we should be there, well, I should be there at least…" Both sat. "I also hear our new movies being advertised in theater posters. Fancy that." Voldemort shuddered, "God not that again… I hate all the makeup." Harry made a face and nodded.

"…you know, I was thinking, you know how sometimes you can read something, and see what you want to see there?" Voldemort blinked. "Um… no?" Harry nodded, "Like for instance, I know someone, who for the longest time thought Avada kedavra, was actually said Avada kedavara!" Voldemort blinks, "Does that rhyme? Or is it just me?" Harry shook his head, "Not just you, but doesn't rhyme, the extra sound just makes it flow a bit more. Of course, this same person, she though your name was spelled Lord Voldermort." Red eyes narrowed, "What are you willing to bet your friends a muggle?" Harry laughed, "well, yes, but still, has that ever happened to you?" Voldemort hissed, "…no, no it hasn't. Potter, we need to get that book."

Harry blinked. "…why? We're going to live it, why read it?" The mighty finger of doom flicked potter in the fore head. "is it any wonder I want to kill you? You're so slow! We need the book, so we can… well I want to know." Harry muttered a protest, "Is it any wonder my scar hurts all the time? the dang flicking!"Harry adjusted his glasses, Voldemortsaid nothing. "Hey Tom?" Voldemort shuddered, "Potter, enough with the T name, all right?" Harry sighed, and then looked disgruntled, "The T name? God are we out of character… what is it with you and that name anyway? So your dad was a jerk." Riddle shook his head, "Oh that? No. That's just what Rowling's trying to pass off, I appreciate it really. Her reasons better than mine." Harry raised an eyebrow.(I'm gonna regret this I'm gonna regret this I'm…)

"…Why is it then?"

Voldemort sighed. "Words starting with T are bad news where I'm concerned. The accidents I've had with trains, telephone poles, teachers, tombstones, trombones…oh the trombones…" Harry stared. "…Let's just say Dark Lords shouldn't take up the trombone, all right? I had to imperiolus the entire band to forget the incident…" Harry still sat there staring, Voldemort stopped. "…Potter, should you really have stopped breathing? Potter?" Harry fell over; Voldemort stared gaping, and then rose fuming. "OH SHURE! Die of shock! Way to leave me with no plot Potter! I'll kill you! I"LL KILL YOU JUST AS SOON AS YOU'RE NO LONGER DEAD!"


	11. Chapter 11

Harry blinked, he felt pretty good for being dead. He then looked around and froze. The screen was dark, was the monitor off? "Voldemort… hey, Voldemort? Floating eyeball? Bridge man? Hello…?" he rose to his feet and brushed the computer dust from his clothing. He walked by the cabbage patch, passed the retreating forms of the Ringwraiths, and turned to face the screen.

"Dear readers, it has come to my attention that this fan fiction is not fulfilling its original purpose. To tell you what the writer hates about Authors. It has also come to my attention that you still do not know the fanficks that Tom and I were referring to in the first chapter. And that our author can't spell. For all of this…"

Entire fanfick cast: "WE ARE SO SORRY!"

Voldemort: "Well I'm not."

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9: _Sssssshhhhhhh!_

Eye of Sauron: **_I'm just here…_**

Harry: "So without further adue," (Jams the dark-lord-of-being-a-pain-in-the … with his elbow.) "We will move the story along and with a little help; get it going some where… GET ME OUT OF THIS SCREEN! GET ME OUT! I'M GOING CRAZY! HELP! HELPHELPHELPHELPHELP! AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHH! ….thank you for your time."

Entire fanfick cast: "THANK YOU!"

Voldemort: … "...you're a dead man walking Potter… literally… heh."

Harry: "… … … just pass me a cabbage."


	12. Multitasking TeddyBear

Harry and Voldemort sat across from each other in the fluffy blue chairs and glared. "…Tell me again Potter, why did you feel inclined to remind her that we weren't following the plot again?" Harry grit his teeth. "Okay! Okay! enough already! How was I suppose to know she'd bring out the fluffy chairs?" The dark lord-of-being-too-pissy narrowed his already almost shut eyes. "There goes my image, what was left of it. Oh I'm so intimidating now! Cringe in fear at the chair! Behold its mighty spookiness! Am I not a sight to freeze blood? To raise blood pressure at least? NO! I look like a pansy! Like, like, like an out of character shred of my former self!"

Harry smiled a slow, amused smirk. "…But Tom, you are an out of character shred of your former self."

"…That doesn't mean I have to look like it!"

"You're raising your blood pressure at least."

"Potter!"

"I bet your death eaters would go into conniptions…"

"POTTER!"

"Oh… hey this could be a nifty poem you know."

"…Potter?"

"Voldemort he sat way over there,  
In a fluffy and feathery blue armchair!  
At least he sure gave me quite the scare!  
He's as terrifying as a teddy bear!"

"**POTTER!" **

"Well you're the one who brought it up!"

They resumed their glaring. "…So, do we get this over with?" Voldemort sighed. (When we get out of this computer screen I need to go to anger therapy…I've forgotten how to get enraged…)

"Fine Potter. You go first." Harry took a steadying breath. "…Well, I was on vacation…"

"…You can afford to go on vacation?"

"Tom, vault in Gringots, remember?"

"…Oh yes… now that you mention it…"

"Anywhays, I was going on vacation in the Alps or something… and, hey, hey! You're not even listening!"

Voldemort raised his head from the newest Harry Potter book. "Of course I am, Vacation in the Alps..?" Harry blinked. "…Well, yes, vacation in the Alps, and for some reason Draco was there… you sure you're listening?" Tom nodded as he turned the page. "Yes yes, Malfoy was with you in the Alps. Keep it moving." Harry got out of the chair and walked over.

"Are you reading the new book and listening to me?" Voldemort nodded. "…How are you doing that! The world stops when people read these books!" The Dark lord raised an eyebrow. "…Potter, let me tell you something, Eh? Stop looming over me! Sit down!" Harry sat.

"Potter, I am a dark lord, no? I see you understand that much at least. Well, I am a dark lord. That, is a position of some power. Now here is what you might not grasp. People in power must be able to do three VERY important things."

"…Such as..?"

"Inspire, control, and multitask."

"…You can multitask..?"

"Yes."

"…my god, maybe you can take over the world…"


	13. My Pajamas!

Lord Voldemort, A.K.A lots of names, (but not names involving T cause we went over that in another chapter!) was worried. Not for any particular reason, mind you. Other than the weird neighbors there was really nothing dangerous on the computer screen. What worried him was that a strange category had just caught his attention.

**Reviews.**

Now, Lord V. had nothing against an occasional hard core death eater fan or two, but that just anyone could look in on his life? Not right at all! Had the other authors never heard of privacy?

"What you doing Tom?"

Voldemort cringed. He had a sinking suspicion that Potter said that on impulse now, and from putting up with the boys behavior had developed a grudging respect for Snape. (the poor fool…)

"…Potter… I'm being paranoid, and you are annoying me."

"…paranoid?"

"…yesssss…"

"…I don't… I shouldn… sigggghhh. Why?"

Harry for his part was simply bored. He missed his life,(…0.o) his owl, and being able to eat when the author wasn't typing about food, (cabbages all the time…ugh!)

"…Those are nice flowers."

Harry blinked. "Flowers? The flowers make you paranoid?" Harry looked around. "…wait..! I don't see any…" Tom was gone, a random tumble weed made good on its name and rolled by.

"…I think he's trying to get rid of me…"

Left to his own devices Harry wandered aimlessly on the white computer screen, wishing something would happen, (or at least wishing there was scenery!) never wish for ANYTHING! You might get it. Harry got it.

...A scream was growing louder from the distance, Harry looked hard, and was just able to see what appeared to be a giant flaming eyeball rolling closer, and closer, and a little figure in front of it running for its life. As the two grew nearer he recognized Voldemort careening at full speed before the rotating and VERY nauseous looking fiery eyeball.

"Potter! Move! Move you fool! You're blocking the trash bin!"

Harry dove out of the way, Voldemort leapt over him, and the Eye of Sauron rolled right into the trash can. There was a resounding crash, a mild explosion, and a low groan.

"What the bloody Hell happened! You nearly got flattened!"

Voldemort bent over, gasping for air, "I…All I did… I was only trying to… He was on a hill! A hill alright! And I… I just wanted… to see where he would go… if I just…"

Harry let his mouth hang open for a moment. "…you pushed the giant flaming eyeball… on top of you… that's, that's really dumb."

Voldemort brushed off his robes. "I have my reasons." And as if nothing had just happened, he walked away calmly.

Harry stared after him for a moment. "…and the insane dark lord has left the computer screen." The eye of Sauron just moaned. Nine sombrero's were being waved frantically to revive him.

Once again on his own Voldemort pondered the problem of reviews. Were they an invasion to privacy? Yessss… but were they entirely unpleasant? That warranted further consideration.

Pros:

they assisted the author to move the plot along.

They were… interesting...? sure, that's as good a word for it as any.

They were something to look at while stuck on a computer screen.

Cons:

they reminded him he was trapped in a COMEDY!

They were a way strangers could look into his life!

They made him insecure, which could probably be linked to number 2, but lets keep things an even three.

It warranted deep thought… very deep thought. In fact, he was so deep in thought he didn't notice that Potter was sneaking up behind him holding a picture and grinning like a rabid baboon.

"…Tom, I think you need to see this!"

"Busy Brat, thinking. Come again later."

"No Tom, you really need to see this. Dumbledore sent us a scan of pictures from the fourth movie… hey!"

"What?"

"We were trapped in here during the fourth movie! Who took our places!"

"…actors?"

"…oh, oh yeah. Well, I've got one of you, but when you see what you're wearing…"

"Let me see it!"

Voldemort snagged the picture, looked it over… his hand gradually began to clench.

"God dangit! My favorite silk pajamas! Why am I wearing my pajamas!"

* * *

Author: well?I thought they looked like pajamas! In the book he was naked, (we must thank them for sparring us that. Thank You)weird ones, but still.

Lord V.: what do you mean thank you! sparring what! hugh? hugh! ...I need to get out of here...

Author: yes, yes you do.


	14. Crossover convention!

Author's note: Yay insanity! And I own nothing but my own twisted little self!

* * *

Lord Voldemort was irked.  
Really irked.  
Severely irked.  
If he was any more irked he would be an Irkin.  
If he were an Irkin he would be an Irkin elite.  
…which was, more or less, his problem right now.

"Potter… isn't it insane enough in here right now without the invader Zim lines?"

"EEH?"

"Oh potter…"

"I AM ZIM!"

"No, no your not. If you were Zim, who didn't sign our contract with the giant eyeball, I would have killed you by now."

"Tom, you really need to lighten up."

"Fine… fine… I AM ZIM!"

"See? Much better!"

Voldie retreated shortly afterward to get away from some of the madness. Not that he had anything against madness, it just rather felt like they were overdosing on it right now. He walked over to the cabbage patch and picked one, stared at it for a moment. It, being a cabbage, did not stair back.

"…I need to do something evil."

The cabbage did not stir.

"You know… something to get the old dark lord juices flowing…"

(flashback to the giant flaming eyeball fiasco)

"…something a tad less suicidal than the last thing I did."

The cabbage agreed.

Voldemort stared at the cabbage. "…a little odd… and wrong, Very wrong."

The cabbage began to smoke. "And on fire! Very much on fire!"

The cabbage exploded into a million tiny fragments. A very burnt Voldemort stared in disbelief at the combustible vegetables around his feet.

"…I invented the exploding cabbage… good to know. I am in pain… a lot of pain…"

Voldemort crawled away quickly.

A moment later a Nazgul came over and picked up several cabbages, he looked around, sneakily, and tiptoed off.

#7. _Do they suspect anything?_

#1. …_Well, they might now. But we must continue operation 'Detonation to Saner Stories' at all costs._

_-_

_-_

Harry looked at the burnt dark lord, raised an eyebrow in surprise. "… There's something different about you. Don't tell me! Let me guess…"

"Oh, hahahaha Potter, how rich, how funny how…auuugh…"

"It's your head isn't it? You polished your head."

"Shut up Potter, just, shut up.

"What the hell happened Tom? You look like… like chicken"

"…I look like what!"

"Like chicken, burnt chicken."

"AAAaaaauuuggghhh."

Suddenly, like a bolt of lightning setting fire to a Nazgul, the insanity warped. It grew without warning a semblance of a plot, as the mighty author smote into creation…

A little madness.

It was a convention, right in the middle of the Word program.

Characters seemingly from all over creation had sprung up from nowhere and started mingling. Harry P. Looked upon the swiftly developing chaos and choked on a slightly sizzling cabbage. Voldemort was still burnt. "Potter… it's spreading… they aren't even all from books anymore!" Potter continued to choke. "What is she doing? Is this punishment? Did we forget the plot again? …hey look, aren't those our nine sombrero wearing Nazgul meeting their more cannon versions?" Harry, performing the Heimlich maneuver on himself was too busy to reply. "I didn't know that there was still such a thing as actual characters… oh wow… must… go… mingle…"

Harry watched helplessly as Voldemort was drawn into the crowd. He finally dislodged the cabbage from his throat. "NO! TOM! They'll corrupt you!"

As swiftly as he could manage he ran after, only to be stopped by the cast of Narnia as they walked past. "This is madness… a crossover of this scale could start a war! TOM! Where are you Tom! OH ALL RIGHT! LORD VOLDEMORT! HAPPY NOW! GET YOUR SCALEY BEHIND OUT OF THERE!" There was no reply but a perturbed group of Jedi who walked past a little faster. Harry sank to his knees defeated.

He was then run over by a hobbit.

Meanwhile, Voldemort had moved further in, there was a battle raging before him, as an upset and offended witch king charged the peaceful sombrero wearing rip-offs. Blade met hat as piercing screams split the air. Well, this was getting those juices flowing all right, a regular recipe for evil was all around him, and insanity ran a close second. To his left the cast of Hellraiser watched perturbed, trying to figure out what was with all the madness. Soon they too were fighting, at a challenge issued from John Constantine they attempted to mightily smite him. Voldemort watched in morbid fascination as the bloody destruction continued. "This is the most crazy I have seen… since that entire cabbage incident… not good, not good at all."

"No, it isn't."

Surprised, Voldemort looked to see who had spoken. Erik from the musical Phantom of the Opera watched with bored eyes.

"…You look, familiar."

"Do I?"

"…yes…yes you do."

"Oh, that makes sense, I've been in a Harry Potter crossover recently."

"Have you really?"

"So have we."

Both turned shocked to Vegeta and Goku (from the long departed from favor Dragon Ball Z series.) "We were in a crossover, you were there." Vegeta paused. "…I think kakkarot killed you, but only because I was using the facilities at the time." Voldemort paled.

"You killed me? What about that whole prophesy thing!"

Goku shrugged. "Discarded in the very first chapter."

Erik laughed. "I just love a good original plot bashing! It reminds me that on the large scale of things, I could be considered sane."

Just then a very beaten and bloody sombrero Nazgul passed by. Another in character Nazgul shot the group an odd look as he moved in to finish of the kill. The Witch King however decided to join them; he dragged a trampled Harry behind him. Voldemort blinked again. "…and what happened to him?" the Witch King made a gesture of casual disinterest and dropped Harry at their feet, then hissed in an ominous whisper…

_Hobbits have large feet…_

No one decided to comment. The point had been made. It was all too evil.

Mercifully the hand of the author smote them all a mighty one, and the entire convention vanished. The screen was blissfully blank.

…blank.

…utterly blank.

…even the cabbage was gone.

"…**Oh Crap."** Quoth the author,


End file.
